Sorry

I've started writing about it all, but over the weekend my mother had a minor stroke. I've been using another blog to communcate with an old friend of hers whose working with me to try and help her - I can't reveal it's location.

Mom is okay, but she needs surgury to prevent an even worse stroke from happening.

I will get that story in... sometime over the next couple weeks, and maybe in chapters.

Rick

The Rest of the Story is Coming

I've been a bit ambiguous about what has been going on, so I'm going to spend some time getting it all down, and then I'll publish.

Till then, later,

Rick

Check out Tom's graduation Pic's

http://speakfam.blogspot.com

Wow...

We actually 'did' it this morning. First time in months. It was act of mercy, on her part, but a positive step nonetheless..

I came home from lunch yesterday to find her despondent and confused... Again, she started talking about how she wanted to leave, but she couldn't, how she wants to stay, but doesn't know why she wants to leave, how she can't feel God, feel love, or feel anything. She went on about how she just wants to exist, and how she just wants to die. She loves me, but wants to leave, while still wanting to stay.

I'm not confused... Because this is as clear as mud.

She later called me and apologized for everything she said, and said that she has no idea why she keeps saying things to me she doesn't mean. I thanked her for that. I mean that she is beginning to understand that something is not right, and she's dealing with it for the first time.

A close friend of ours recently confided in me that she has been very sad ever since she's known her, even when she was in High School. I can't go into the details, but I was informed that my wife has attempted suicide twice since we've moved to the Dayton area, and 4 other times that we are aware of. Each time she has found a reason not to go through with it at the last minute.

As have repeatedly stated in my years of blogging, she will not get help. I have tried; repeatedly, and so have her friends. I think that due to some family problems of mental illness she's afraid that some doctor is going to tell her she's crazy. I really don't think she's crazy... Just in need of some guidance, or prozac.

I was talking to me 18 year old son, and he says that he only ever really sees her as sad, or miserable, we look forward to the days when she's just sad.

Rick

RE: Heh

Indeed Abel... Maybe it is hope

heh

You guys who have been following me for a while must think I'm delusional...

Maybe I am.

Maybe it's denial... I dunno

Maybe it's a river in Egypt...

Wednesday Morning Update

We talked on Tuesday morning, and she told me that every note I'd written to her over there last few years has been shredded or burned. I actually hadn't written many notes to her for just that reason.

But she told me that this one she was keeping. A positive sign, I think.

It's difficult to get much hope up in this situation. I've been here several times before with her. But here's to hoping for the best, yet expecting the worst.

What's amazing to me is how these situations always respond to prayer. Things get really bad, and then I dive into the prayer closet, and then suddenly they get better again, then I get comfortable, I stop praying, and then it all falls apart again. Imagine what could happen if I continued praying through it all?

Given the fact that she has consistently refused counseling, I have to say that The Lord will have to do a work to save this marriage. I believe that there is something great in the works with Him. A fools hope? Perhaps, but the wisdom of men is foolishness to God, and we are to be fools for Christ... So His words to me through all of this have been, "there is a way that seems right to a man, but leads to death", and "be still and know I am God".

Interpretation? Do nothing... This is my problem. I will not initiate a divorce with her. If it is what she wants, then she needs to pursue it, and I'll cooperate as best I can.

During our talk an interesting subject came up.... moving back to Cleveland.

It will take some work, but I think in 4 years we'll be leaving the Dayton area and head back up north... home.

Last night she came home very stressed... very tired, and just wanted to sleep because she just hasn't been getting any for a long time.

She was sleeping when I left this morning. She looked... beautiful.

Rick

The Weekend

I spent much of the day Saturday getting the car ready for our trip up to Cleveland. I was with Cheryl the whole time, and she seemed stressed.

I took her to work, and went home to finish up some things, like:

1. My bike ride
2. haircut
3. New power supply for the home PC
4. Finish Packing.

All in all it was a fairly busy day.

Around 11:00 pm she called and she was ready to go. We talked a little about her night, it was cordial, but she had been drinking a little.

Not to long after that, she fell asleep, and I drove 3 hours in silence.

We got to Becky's house, and I crashed hard. Her and Becky spent most of the day Sunday talking. I kept my distance. She needs Becky right now.

Becky, in case you're wondering is her best friend from high school.

I spent most of the day swimming, and talking with Becky's husband Jack. We cooked out, saw her grandbaby, and it was just so good to be with old friends. Especially since she is on my side with regard to all of this.

Most of the time I spent alone with my thoughts. I've been very quiet to her about my feelings about everything. After some prayer, I felt it was time to write her a letter. I gave it to her today:

Cheryl,

You are the love of my life. I have always believed that with God’s help we can make it though anything. I’ve always hoped that there would come a day when that kite would fly back down, and bring with it the joy we once shared as a couple, the joy I so stupidly took for granted. I so long for your love Cheryl. Not just love…but your love. Your eyes, your smile, and your laugh have always slain me. You have always been able to bring me back down earth with them like no one else can. Your wit, and sense of humor and those little inside jokes of ours brighten my day like nothing else can.

You are so beautiful, and I love you like no other. There is no one else I ever want to love.

I look at our children as they grow into such wonderful people knowing that they will one day have families of their own. I see Becky and Connie with their grandchildren and I know that is a joy I want to share with you, and only you.

I know you are still struggling. I know that there are no words that I can conjure that will make any difference to you. You will ultimately make a choice in all of this, and I have no idea of what to expect from you. I only hope that you choose to continue to fight for our family.

I will not, nor will I ever seek revenge on you for anything… except maybe an April fools joke. That’s not who I am, and it is not how I operate. I will love you, be kind to you, forgive you, and be there for you regardless of what choices you make.


I love you

Rick

She called me later and told me she read it. We didn't say much about it, but she did say it was "a good note".

Speak

time together

So Katie is up in Cleveland till Sunday, and Cheryl and I are driving up there... together... for 3 hours... to get her.

This will be interesting

Speak

More thoughts on it all

I'm not even going to start making excuses for Cheryl. When you are thrust into these positions, you find yourself questioning everything about you, your wife, what you could have done differently etc.

I went back through the relevant entries in my old blogs... and I've come to realize that regardless of what happens... I can confidently say I've done everything I can to save this marriage. It's on her now. If she wants it to work out then she is going to have to work it out. I will cooperate. And even if she decides to end it.... It's her responsibility to see it through. I will cooperate, but I will not initiate.

We came close to telling the kids this time, but she changed her mind again. Tom knows. Dave suspects, and Katie seems to be oblivious.

I will say that her behavior of late has been encouraging... But I'm not getting my hopes up. Been there too many times before.

More later
Speak

The State of Things

Cheryl and I are in trouble.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail because it's simply too painful for me to recount. She has become a person I or my children don't even know anymore. Even her friends are concerned about her actions, and her motives.

Two months ago I noticed a change in her. Then she moved out to stay with a friend, and I guess that means we are separated. I wasn't concerned because she goes through these things occasionally. This time she progessively got worse and worse. There never seemed to be a bottom, her behavior became cynical, vindictive, and without remorse.

The worst thing about it all is that beside my past sins of over 10 years ago, I had done nothing wrong at all.

We'd decided at her request to proceed with a dissolution, and then after things got even worse, she decided to "try".

So, at this point I don't know what's going to happen. Everyone I know can't understand why I just don't throw her out. The answer is complicated. To be truthful, I was ready, and I'm very very close to the edge here about it. But 20 years of marriage is not so easily discarded.

I still love her, and she still loves me. She needs help, we need help, but still... She refuses to get it... And I just don't get it !!!!!

There are also spiritual motives here as well, for reasons I'll not get into, I feel that it's not my responsibility to end the marriage. If she really wants out, I will cooperate with her if she chooses a dissolution, otherwise I'm waiting for her to present me with papers.

It's so hard to deal with this for as long as I have. Right now, I'm a total wreck. So yeah, my life really sucks right now.

Let's muddy the waters more; financially, I need her, If she leaves permanently, I may be forced into bankruptcy, and that could jeopardize my security clearance, and hence my job.

Marriage is great... huh?

Speak

A New Beginning

I've just broken away from over four years of blogging on diaryland. If you are reading this, it is at my invitation. I stopped writing as much as I used to because my life started getting way too complicated for me to write about. Right now, my life is falling apart. someone very close to me has hurt me very badly, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. However the past has shown me that there are a few things that help me get through these things:

1. Prayer
2. Friends
3. Writing

Hopefuly this is where the 3rd element will come into play.

Welcome!

Speak