Ready? Okay, this may shock you all...

Tom came home again this weekend. I had to drive out to Athens to get him, so I left work early. The drive there takes me across state. I live about 45 minutes from Indiana, and Athens is just about 25 minutes from West Virginia. It takes two and a half hours to get there. The first half of the drive is all flat farmland. As you travel, you pass a lot of old farms and grain silos; some in use, and others abandoned. The lonely barns faded gray wood shows the passage of time, and makes you wonder what life was like in the days they were in use. Many of the farm houses no longer belong to those who worked the land.

Corporate agriculture has taken over, and many have been bought out because they simply do not have the critical mass to compete in today’s market. The homes themselves are run down, rented, or stand in disrepair; condemned to be torn down forever erasing the memory of generations of families that made it all possible.

About fifteen miles outside of Chillicothe the landscape changes and you begin to see the foothills of Appalachia. I’ve only made the journey at in the late summer, or at night. Now that fall is at its peak, there is an awesome display of color that filled the hillsides. It made for a very pleasant journey.

Tom came home to go to the district cross country meet. The Boys varsity squad was not expected to do well, he was expecting them to place no better than 7th. They surprisingly placed fifth. They needed 4th to go to state.

There is now no hope for any kind of reconciliation between Cheryl and me. We are still working out the details of separation, but are very close of being done. At this point all that is left is for her to move out, and for us to file the dissolution papers with the court.

I’ve been dating a little. It’s been an interesting experience. 4 years ago I met Christine. We’ve always been attracted to one another, and we’ve been good friends. We both knew our circumstances do not currently warrant any kind of a relationship, but we are terrible flirts. We lost touch about 2 years ago, but when she caught word of my pending divorce, she called to see how I was doing. We’ve been seeing each other for lunch, and talk often on the phone.

Last night I went out with some friends. She called me, and wanted to meet me where I was. She came, and we spent the night dancing, and having a great time hanging out. When we left, I walked her out to her car, and we chatted for a bit… kissed, and well, yadda yadda yadda.

When I left her, I went home to bed.

I woke this morning with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I spent most of the day raking leaves thinking about the events of last night. I don’t feel guilty. I knew it was going to happen eventually. Now that it has, I’m wondering what it is going to mean for our friendship. I can’t commit to her. She can’t either. I guess I’m a little mad at myself for allowing it to happen when I told myself that it was something I was not going to do until my divorce was final.

Plus, I don’t want to be in any kind of long term relationship for a while anyway. I just got free of one, I don’t want to go into a new one without enjoying being single for a while.

Besides, I wouldn’t really be good for anyone right now anyway. I need to get it together first.

I think I made a mistake

Rick

Kermit

Batheball has bin berry berry good to me

I sitting up watching game 3 of the World Series. It’s 1:00 am. Orlando Palmerio just struck out to end the 11th inning. It’s still tied 5 – 5.

Dear god… is this game ever going to end?

I’m committed. I Must see it to its end.

I’m a glutton for punishment. I really don’t care who wins, it’s just a really good game.

Rick

Aunt Clare

I have to write a post about this.

I had an aunt that lived north of San Francisco, her name was Clare. She was the coolest relative I ever had. She died last July. She was cremated, and her remains were interred at Arlington National Cemetery on September 26th. I was there. Below I’ve posted some pictures of the ceremony.

Clare was a WAC. She served in WWII and that’s where she met her husband Darryl. After the war she got out and he stayed in. She had three children: Dana, Mark, and Karen. During the Korean War, Darryl was on a transport to Japan with 50 other servicemen, and the plane went down somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. They were never found. Clare was left alone with her children, and never remarried.

She had a great career as an analyst working for Safeco, and retired in the 70’s to a little place called The Sea Ranch.

Darryl was given a memorial at Arlington, and they are moving his headstone to her site, and her name will be inscribed on the back of it. Now once again, they are together.

I love you Clare, and you will be missed.

Rick












From left to right, Jena, my brother David, Me, my sister susan, cousin Karen, her husband Dave, their daughter Jessica. Seated: MOM

Same cast, add cousin Mark at the far left.

Hanging out afterwards

Argh…

Hack… Cough… Wheeze…

I opened the door, and in-flu-enza.

Have I mentioned that I hate being sick?

But alas, I had to go to work again today.

We have a friend, her name is Cathy. We’ve known her pretty much since we moved here 7 years ago. Her kids and ours hang out together a lot, so we have grown close over time. When we met her she was in the middle of a divorce. Now she’s living with her fiancé Tom.

We found out about a month ago that Tom had a rare, but treatable form of cancer. I don’t recall what kind it is, but it originated in his throat. They’ve given him 2 years, and with treatment his prognosis is good.

His treatment requires him to go up to Cleveland every week. Cheryl and I are watching the kids for them while they are gone. So, we’ve been going back and forth between their house and ours for the last couple days.

Add this in to being under the weather myself, it really wears on me.

I don’t mind helping people. In fact, I’m glad to do it. I feel it’s my duty. I just wish I wasn’t sick when doing it. I’d rather have spent the night sleeping.

Cheryl and I have been getting along rather well of late, but I’m not reading too much into it. Been there… done that… many times.

Well, time for bed… Good night all

Rick

Thank the Lord for Day-Quil.

Last night I went out for a few drinks with a friend. All day I’d been feeling a little down (physically), my throat was a little sore, and I was getting a little tickle in my nose.

I got home around midnight and sat down to watch a TV to unwind before going to bed. Suddenly my left nostril and sinus passage began to swell and drip rather quickly. It felt like a squirrel had crawled up my nose and was doing somersaults.

So today, I feel like crap. I hate being sick. Of course I have yet to meet someone who actually enjoys it, but still… I am out, and down for the count this weekend. Cheryl went and got me some drugs: Day-Quil and Ny-Quil. So I am feeling significantly better.

Last night I slept hard though. I’d probably still be asleep if the phone hadn’t ringed.

So, yeah… I am on the couch pounding this out on my laptop. I’m watching Ohio State getting beaten up by Michigan State right now. 17-14 at halftime. It looks like this will be my day.

Have you seen Abel’s new baby boy? Cute little guy! It’s neat to see young families in the making. It’s good to have some retrospection on that experience. Especially since mine are all either in high school or college now.

Speaking of Abel, He and I have been ‘in touch’ for at least 4 years now. Now, I wouldn’t say that we are friends in the traditional sense, but we are acquainted with each other in that we’ve been following each others lives for that time. I have a lot of respect for him. He’s come through some difficult circumstances, and it does me good to see him putting his life back together.

So, I was telling Cheryl about his new baby, showed her the picture he posted on his blog. She then proceeded to lecture me on how weird it is to have communication with people I’ve never actually met. While I’ve never actually met any of you, I don’t see how it’s wrong to have relationships in this medium. People have been pen pals with others they’ve never met throughout history, so just because there is a modern version of this available, why is it a problem?

Is she right? Do any of you think this is weird?

I never really have. In fact, I think it’s fun.

Rick

Becca

E – A – D – G – B – E

The notes names of the strings on a guitar. Remember this; it will be important later.

Back in July, Katie had her 14th birthday party. The festivities included a trip to the mall with her friends and a pizza slumber party that night. The purpose of this entry is not to recount the details of that night, although I should because it was a night that I shall not soon forget. Perhaps someday I will tell you that story.

One of her guests was a good friend of hers named Becca; a very cute and otherwise talented young lady. I was driving them home from the mall, and Becca needed to stop at her house to pick up some things for the sleep over. When we stopped, she went into the house, and I needed to check something in the back of the van. As I went back, and opened the doors, Becca was just walking out the door of her house. The backseat was folded down to accommodate the number of girls I was carting around. When I looked at the seat saw what look tobe a pair of very small underwear sitting there. It still had its price tag on, so I held it up and looked at it. It was a thong. All of the girls started to laugh.

Right then, a beet red Becca walked up behind me, and started to scream in embarrassment. She grabbed the thong form me and immediately stuffed it in her overnight bag.

For the rest of the evening Becca could not even make eye contact with me. It began to get awkward, so I asked if she could step outside and talk to me about it. She told me how embarrassed she was, and I assured her that there was nothing to worry about, and that I didn’t really think it was a big deal.

Ever since, we have teased each other about it.

Today, she was in the car with me, and I was asking her if she was still playing guitar. She told me that she had stopped because she stopped getting lessons, and that she had busted a string. I asked which one it was and she said she wasn’t sure, but she could show it to me, and I’d see if I had a spare at the house.

When we got to her house I walked to the door and she went in to get the guitar. When she brought it out I immediately saw that it was the 3rd string that was broken. I said, “Oh, you need new G-String…”

She turned another lovely shade of red.

We laughed.

Rick

Indecision

Indecision is a terrible thing. It seems that Cheryl and I are both suffering from lack of being able to stick with the choices set before us. She simply does not want to be married anymore. She doesn’t believe in love, and thinks that marriage is stupid. She also feels that are current arrangement is something she can live with: Roommates. The strange thing is that we still have sex.

She says that she knows it’s wrong, the whole thing is wrong, but she can’t get over things I did several years ago. Now, let me be clear: I never cheated, never hit, but I was controlling, and I had a bad temper. These are things I have changed. But I have beaten that dead horse enough.

Her whole attitude had me completely confused, and she confuses herself. She doesn’t understand how one day she can be totally in love with me, and the next want nothing to do with me. Everyone who is privy to this relationship has already said that she needs help. This has been attempted several times to no avail.

My problem is that I still love her; in spite of everything. While I want to stay married, I don’t want to like this. However, getting divorced would also make it hard for me to stay friends with her because whenever I’m with her I have feelings; feelings that just won’t go away. I thought that if I could just not be around her that would make it easier, but since we still live together we have to interact on a daily basis. I like being with her. She’s always been my best friend even in the bad times. I have a hard time imagining life without her being there.

It would be easier if she hated me or if I knew for sure that it was over. This swinging back and forth takes a toll on me. I think that she wants me to push her. She wants to be pushed out the door. I think that she wants out, this is for sure, but me holding on is what keeps her here. What I have to accept is that it’s over, and that we are still friends through it all. I have to learn to shut those feelings down, and just deal with the circumstances.

I just wish I knew how to. I never thought this would be so hard. I never thought it would come to this.

I’m not taking the job. It was just me feeling sorry for myself. Not a real healthy exercise. But the travel portion did sound very attractive. I do need to be there for my kids. Perhaps I will pursue something like that after they are all gone.

I wrote Cheryl a letter last night. She keeps acting like this should have no effect on me, and that we should still be friends. Well, I’ve tried doing that, but it only makes it harder for me. I guess you could say that she wants her cake and eat it too. I told her that its best that she moves out ASAP, and that we really shouldn’t interact unless it has to do with money, kids, an emergency, or the business of divorce. I said some other things too, nothing nasty, in fact it was more of a love letter telling her about how I feel about all of this, how it pains me so, and how I wish we could work things out. I know that she will not change her mind. She seems rather bent on all of it, albeit with much doubt.

Believe it or not, I am doing much better. My focus is back, and work is going well. I guess we all learn to adapt to our circumstances. I’m off the drugs, and through it all I’ve been in the gym, running, biking, lifting, and whatever else I can. I’m getting rather buff. Here’s a couple recent pic’s.

Well, that's all for now.

Rick

I Want to Run Away

Hello all. It’s been a while.

I’ve been trying to put my life back together after the recent summer from hell. We’ve told the kids, but Cheryl is still being very inconsistent about what she wants to do. We haven’t talked about anything regarding divorce for a while, but are still living under the same roof, but in different rooms. There have been some developments, but I’ll get to that later.

Tom is off to college. He’s studying creative writing at Ohio University in Athens. I miss him. It’s different around here without him. We talk often. He’s discontented with OU, he feels that its reputation as a ‘party school’ will hurt him down the road when he tries to get a job. I keep telling him that every school has some kind of dirty laundry. Heck, The University of Dayton is infamous as a party school, but is still a good school. He’s not a party animal, and is annoyed at the late hours the kids in his dorm keep. He’s going to find that anywhere. Nevertheless, he’s going to transfer the Miami or Bowling Green next fall.

David and Katie are now both in High School. David is a sophomore and is running on the Varsity Cross-Country Squad.

Katie… Well… She’s in full bloom, and is quite popular now. She still struggles with school, but she seems very interested in fixing the problem, unlike before.

Me… I’m just dealing with my circumstances, and not very well. I’ve been depressed, but not as badly of late. Regardless of all the crap that happened over the summer and what I’ve been dealing with for the last 8 years I still love her, and would take her back in a heartbeat. I was telling a friend about all of it, and she was very disappointed in my attitude. She asked me if my self esteem was so bad that I would want to stay in such a disastrous relationship. She also said that she would never allow herself to get into a situation where she would be stuck like this. That did get me to thinking.

Cheryl has been looking at finding a place of her own. She wants to buy, but she’s finding that she really lacks the money to get what she wants. She’s was faced with a major disappointment in that both Katie and David have elected to stay with me. Not to mention that Tom has made it very obvious that he wants nothing much to do with her anymore. It’s not the divorce either. He tells me that she is his mother, but other than that she’s not the kind of person that he would choose to be friends with. He’s never told her his feelings, but she has painfully noticed that he is very indifferent to her. It’s very sad, and I’m sorry for her.

So she moved back in a little while back.. I expected it, but I was a little pissed.

I want to run away. I want to get far away from all of this. I don’t want to see her, I want to forget. I may have an opportunity to do just that. My company has an opening that would require me to move to Nebraska, and with a significant raise in pay. The job is 25 – 50% travel, and I’m a prime candidate for the position. This way she can stay, with the kids, and I’ll be gone.

Sounds like a chicken shit thing to do. But it’s probably what’s best for everyone.

Rick