The IRS Sucks

Recently Cheryl and I filed what will be our last joint return with the IRS. This year was different from previous years in that her new job has no tax withholding. So she basically guessed what her taxes were, and she paid quarterly. She was faithful in saving back her taxes, and she paid them on time.

We went to a friend of hers’ that runs a tax service. We have been doin business with this company for the last 4 years and we to this point have been satisfied. we got it done, and filed it, and we were told that we should get the return of $1800 in 2 weeks.

So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Concerned, she called to find out what the holdup was and discovered that the preparer screwed up. She added Cheryl’s state taxes to her federal, and that made it appear that she had paid to much, so as it turns out we owe $900.

Yay.

So of course we are at odds with the tax service, and they want to redo it. I think at this point I’d rather just file separately. She underestimated her taxes. It was a learning experience for her to say the least, so she has taken a closer look at how to pay her taxes more accurately in the future.

This is the first time I’ve ever had to pay in. The sad thing is that this year we made more than ever too. So, the more you make; the more they take. I’m sick of this tax system this country has. If there has ever been a more obvious example of punishing achievement I’d like to see it. I think it’s high time that we went to either a national sales tax or just a flat tax instead of this withholding voodoo scam they put over on us every year.

The hypocrisy of the system is plain: when you owe them money, they charge interest, but if they owe you money, then they pay you what they owe you…not a penny more.

What a sham.

Hello to a dear Friend

I'm not one for appeasment, but since it's a good friend I have to.

Back in August I started to date a little. I think I may have mentioned as much. Well, the first person I met in that excursion was Tracy. Her and I never really hit it off romantically (In fact, I really never hit it off with anyone thankfully) but we have become good friends over the last several months. We go out once in a while, but chat online more than anything else.

So, the other night I mentioned to her that I keep a blog. Well, she read through it, and then came back to me saying... "I'm mad at you because you never mentioned me!"

Dear god... just like a female, but one really cool female.

She's thinking about getting blog going, and I hope when she does we'll all give her a fine welcome. I know there are only about 10 people who read me anymore, but that should be enough.

So Tracy.... There. I've now mentioned you in my blog. So quit your whining. :-P

Deep Thoughts

Today was fairly busy. I like busy. It staves off laziness. I find that when I spend the day at work doing little or nothing (and not for lack of trying) that it is really hard in the evening to get out and do things like exercise, and run around doing things I need to do.

Back in mid November I stopped my daily work-out routine. No mere coincidence to the time that I started having this bout with depression. I started back into it last week. It’s been tough, but I find ways to motivate myself.

It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes on my personal outlook on life. That’s another reason why (for better of worse) I’m looking into doing that addition. It keeps my mind occupied. It makes me see positive results in something I do. Blogging too. It’s a great way to put it all together, and it is rewarding.

I’ve decided that I’m not really ready for a relationship. I’ve spent the better part of the last 20 years invested in four other people, and I truly have lost myself. I really don’t know ‘me’ anymore.

I think sometimes our culture tricks us into thinking that unless we have someone special in our lives that we cannot truly be happy. We’ve become a culture that glorifies the physical, and ignores the spiritual. Think about it; if you’re not happy with yourself, how can you make someone else happy?

I really don’t know that I’ll ever be involved with anyone again. Chances are I will, but if it happens, then so be it, but I’m not going to exhausting myself with starry eyed expectations of romance because I’ve learned by observation and personal experience that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I find it amusing sometimes to listen to all of my single friends who are just at their wits end trying to find ‘the one’; and every last one of them is still looking, and looking, and looking. And it seems that every potential ends in bitter disappointment and hurt.

Well enough deep thought for now.

Rick

News Flash!!! Hell approaching room temperature; not quite frozen over... but trends indicate it could happen!!!

http://www.washtimes.com/national/20060220-121022-8852r.htm

Read this article. For once... I actually agree with democrats. Giving control of our ports to a UAE based company, a country that has links to terrorist organizations is nothing short of insanity. Bush has been over the top in our efforts overseas to defeat terrorism but on the domestic side has significantly fallen short. Our ports and borders (Mexico specifically) are wide open, and these are very soft targets.

I am definetly sending letters to my congressmen and senators expressing my dissatisfaction with this development. That'll change things!

Home Improvement

One of the adventures of being a home owner is discovering what is wrong with the house you live in; especially if you’re not the first owner. In my case, I’m the 11th.

The fellow that owned this place prior to me I call Captain Ken. It’s not a term of endearment. I call him that because he is an officer in the Air Force, and he’s not Bob Villa. I’ve spent the better part of the last seven years I’ve lived here fixing the things he’s done wrong.

I’ve also done some major improvements in the house, specifically the kitchen. I removed the wall between the kitchen and the dining room. It really made it much better. The one thing that has really turned into a catastrophe is the addition he put on the back of the house. This is the first house I’ve ever owned, and in if I knew then what I know now there is no way I’d ever have even looked at this place.

I’ve managed to make it a decent place to live, but the addition is starting to give me problems and I think there is only one solution. I had thought about just selling and getting away from it, but it would wind up costing me too much. So, I’m going to tear it down and build a bigger and better one. I’ve spent most of the weekend detailing what needs to be done. There is a fair amount of civil engineering that needs to be done and there is a tree that needs to be removed, then I can begin the demolition.

I have a ways to go on the design of the new addition. Once that is done I’ll be able to compile a bill of materials, get quotes and find out what it’s all going to cost. That will tell me if it is even possible within the foreseeable future.

I’m a do it yourselfer, but there are things that I will have to contract out: HVAC, the slab and foundation, and the roof. All of that should cost a pretty penny.

Wish me luck!

Rick

Gotta Love Living in Ohio

The weather can really keep you on your toes here. Tomorrow is going to be beautiful, and then Friday... snow...

Fatigue

I sat at work today desperately trying to understand Digital signal processing as it applies to my company’s product. It’s not that I don’t understand what is happening; it’s just that it gets to be overwhelming at times. This is another thing I’ve been battling throughout all of the recent marital trials. My job is affected. I had to step back and got read up on some specifications to better understand what was happening. Well, that didn’t work that well either. Then my supervisor comes into my office and tells me of his dissatisfaction with my lack of understanding, and he kindly made some suggestions on how to better understand it. I’m not mad at him really; I can’t blame him because I am even more frustrated with myself than he is.

I’m just in a fog. It’s hard to break through it. It seems that whenever I sit down to get a better grasp of these complex operations I continually fight my lack of focus and millions of other thoughts that plague my mind.

I’m in a tough spot folks, and I’m glad that I’m in therapy because it can only lead to answers and solutions to this dilemma. It’s only another layer of this complex mess that makes up Rick.

I probably suffer from ADD on top of it all.

Augh… I just want to be normal again.

Codependent

Interesting diagnosis, but that is what Dr. Lipschittz said. It’s not very uncommon at all; in fact most people are to some degree or another. When we first started talking, he only mentioned it a few times, but as time went on it he used the word more frequently.

At first I really thought I had a good idea of what he was talking about, but as he went deeper into the subject I realized I didn’t. He then told me that it would be good if I did a little research between appointments to get a better grasp of what it is he thinks I’m dealing with. Also, based on my descriptions (and I should be careful here because I know Tom reads this blog) he thinks that Cheryl suffers from alcoholism. Maybe it’s denial on my part, but I really have a hard time thinking she’s there… yet… Nevertheless, he also recommended that I check into ALANON.

On his advice, I started doing some research. If you Google ‘codependency’ you’ll get a ton of links to look at, but I was just looking for the readers digest version to get started. According to the National Mental Health Association:

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.”

Well, I never thought my father was an alcoholic mostly because he denied it, and eventually quit drinking without going to meetings or doing any 12 step program. The reason he quit was his second wife told him that she was kicking him out if he didn’t. I loved the man dearly, he was my best friend, but he was a colossal prick when he was drunk. No one could stand him when he was. Things got really nasty with my mom, and he was starting to get violent. Much of this happened without my knowing. He left when I was 8. So, is this a precursor for codependency? I don’t know yet. The website also plays 20 questions:

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
• Yes. I know that in cyberspace I have been very opinionated, and have not been afroad to lash out at those I’ve disagreed with, but in real life I truly hate conflict.
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
• Ug… It’s a curse with me, so, yes.
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
• Yes
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
• Yes. More belittling than hitting.
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
• Yes.
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
• Not really.
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
• Not really
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
• Yes.
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
• No. I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
• Yes, too much really.
11. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
• Yes. I sometimes feel like I am really stupid when I do.
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
• No. In fact if you like you can send me anything, and I’ll gladly accept it. I prefer money though.
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
• No. I feel bad for them, but I’ve never really felt like it was my fault.
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
• No
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
• Personally, yes. Vocationally, no.
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
• Yes… I do. And I never really knew it until now.
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
• Yes. This is the story of my life. I’ve never really had clear direction.
18. Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
• Yes. I think on many levels I’m a sucker.
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
• If I really need it, no. But I really do hate to bother people
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
• Yes. Again; this is the story of my life.

So, 13 out of 20. I guess that puts me over the top. I don’t know where we go from here. The treatment is one of therapy, and group therapy. There are no drugs that cure it. Dang.

It’s learned behavior though. It’s taken me 41 years to learn it, I imagine it will take so effort to unlearn it. I just hope I haven’t passed it on to my own, but I’m afraid I have.

Later,

Rick

Student Theological Debate with Professor

The following has been circulating around on email for the last year or so. While I’m skeptical as to its validity, I fully agree with its content. It’s a great analogy.

The university professor challenged his students with this question: "Did
God create everything that exists? "

A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!" "God created everything?" the professor asked. "Yes sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil." The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course," replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?" The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's
like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name ---
Albert Einstein

(Bloggers Note: This is not an established fact – but it’s cool to think that it is. Albert Einstein was by birth Jewish, but later was largely noted as a skeptic. However, being a skeptic does not necessarily negate a belief in God; Mr. Einstein often referred to God; I think that his skepticism was more with the viewpoints of organized religion. My opinion, of course.)

Bonus Second Entry for the day:

Today I read this little quip on the BBC’s website:

“The Danish cartoons furore goes to the heart of how Muslims view the West”

There are other stories circulating around this narrow minded revulsion. Embassies in Muslim countries are being protested, closed, or attacked. There are boycotts of western based businesses being planned. In the Palestinian territories, armed groups have made direct threats against citizens of the countries in which the cartoons were published. There have also been death threats against the artists. Two people died when protesters turned on a US airbase. In Somalia, a teenage boy died after protesters attacked police.

Are these Muslim extremists so insecure in their faith that they have to evoke such belligerence over a cartoon? Is this the kind of behavior they expect will win the world over to Islam?

All of this… over a cartoon? Indeed, a drawing of the prophet Mohammed wearing a bomb for a turban is grounds for death, mayhem and all other kinds of equitable retribution. Indeed this response should tell us all how awfully wrong the artists at the Danish Cartoon Row really are about them.

With all sarcasm aside, their reaction will only have one outcome: People will only see truth in a silly cartoon. The cartoon in my opinion was not directed at Muslims per se; but at the extremists that who wish to force their will upon the world through fear. Perhaps the BBC’s little quip is backwards. The Danish cartoons were made largely because of how the West views Islamic extremism. Their reactions only go to show how correct they really could be at Cartoon Row. Muslims need to take a hard look at how the rest of the world views them because of these actions. They should be embarassed, and work to root out this evil in their ranks before it gets worse.

These actions will not solve or correct anything; in fact they will only serve to widen the gap that already exists. To find offense to this degree in something printed in a newspaper is a pure exhibition of ignorance. Recently rap artist Kanye West was portrayed as Jesus Christ on the cover of Rolling Stone wearing a crown of thorns with subtitle, “The Passion of Kayne West”. Of course there were many in the Christian Community who were very vocal about it. That is their right, but I have yet to hear about any anyone being killed or having their life threatened. Rolling Stone saw no mass protests, burning of their offices, and no one died as a result.

Get over it you idiots… it’s a flippin cartoon

Early February Update

Greetings my friends in the Blogosphere. If there be any remaining who will actually read this.

Much of the last two months has been spent getting caught up on bills from the Christmas season. Thankfully, I have done that. There really has not been much of great importance to report. Cheryl and I are still under the same roof, although we are in separate rooms. Our eventual divorce is hindered by two things really; lack of funds and that both of us refuse to leave our children.

Due to my potential work schedule I have not taken any classes this semester. It is the first time in 5 years that I’ve missed taking classes. It makes me slightly anxious because there is really nothing more I’d like to accomplish than that. I could finish it all in a year and a half if I just could go full time. Then there is reality.

Tom has started his 3rd quarter at OU, and plans to transfer to Miami of Ohio next fall. His reasons for doing so are fairly clear; he really doesn’t like the school for a number of reasons. The primary reason is that he feels the school has lost direction, and is far too focused on being a party school than it is an institution of higher learning. I warned him that he will be hard pressed to find any college that is not like that.

David and Katie are getting on okay. Baseball is starting again, and we are already gearing up for the upcoming travel season again.

I have to be honest, and say that the events of the last year have taken serious toll on me. I’ve also recognized that my state of physical and mental well being has suffered greatly. I find that I’ve been barely able to functional at all, and it has been a miracle that I’ve not lost my job because of it. I have a terrible time falling asleep at night, and an equally terrible time waking up. I walk around in a fog. I find that what I look forward to most every day is getting home so that I can lie on the couch until I go to bed. I cannot motivate myself anymore.

Because of this, I started seeing a psychologist last week. I explained most of what had led up to the small demise. One of the things I pointed out was that I had been drinking a lot more than I had ever in my life. Now to me, having 2-3 beers a week is a ton. And on the average, that is about where it’s been. Compare this to Cheryl; she has a 2-3 drinks a night. And at 5’0”, 100 lbs, that is a lot.

After the session, I asked him what he wanted to do, does he want me to come back, or what? I got a pretty hard nosed response. He said that was up to me. But if I wanted to continue seeing him… I can’t drink anymore at all.

Okay… I didn’t think that my kind of drinking was a problem. I was taken back by that. Not in the sense that I disagree, but more in the sense that I know it’s not a problem for me – at all. Now I know someone out there is going to be thinking “aha! Denial!”. Well, I have to say that I have not had any drinks at all since, nor do I plan to until some later time – if at all. I’ve never been a big drinker. I think I have to look at it from his perspective, and he probably feels that based on his experiences in counseling that it’s a waste of his time if his clients continue with their vices while seeing him.

I’ve never been much of a drinker at all, so quitting is not a big deal. The fact is, I don’t care what I have to do; I have to get rid of this depression. Yes, I am suffering from depression, and it is destroying my life. It’s a terrible place to find yourself when you no longer care about anything that normally should be important to you. The truth be told, I’ve probably suffered from this for years, but recent events have pushed me over the edge.

This is one of the primary reasons why I’ve not been writing as much as I used to. Everyday I think about something I want to write in this blog, and as soon as I sit down to put it together; I lose any motivation I have to do it. Writing this right now is killing me. Getting work done around the house is a major event for me. Even paying my bills and doing my laundry is hell.

I’ll write more later, if I can get myself to.

Rick